Day 7: July 7

I had a minor panic attack about this dissertation yesterday. Today, I snagged an appointment with my fabulous counselor. I also had lunch with an academic and pastoral colleague. With the advice both had to offer, I'm much calmer now. And I am committed to the following:

1. Do what's necessary.
2. Do what's possible.
3. Don't worry about what seems impossible right now.
4. If I get stuck while in writing mode, switch to editing mode, or to formatting mode, and vice-versa (remembering that there's more to this thing than just writing).
5. Reach out occasionally for advice and support, even to people who I don't want to "bother."
6. Take one day at a time.

Chapter 4 is almost complete. Time to move on to another chapter.

Day 5: July 5

Today would have been my brother Donald's 65th birthday. Don died a couple of years back, and there are times when I really miss him. He would have enjoyed talking about my research and my writing.

I spent two hours looking for copies of journal articles that I knew I had stashed somewhere and that were important components of my research. They were, of course, in the last place I would have thought to look.

Broad St. UMC has been on my mind a lot today. I'll miss everyone tomorrow at church, for sure. But I'll be at St. Paul's UMC in Ithaca - a vibrant reconciling congregation. I'm sure I will enjoy the experience of worshiping with the people there, as well as the lunch and hike to which I've been invited afterwards. (There's nothing like hiking in Ithaca!)

My brain hurts, but I've only got three more pages to show for it.

My enlarged hiking photo with a frame I made myself.

Day 4: July 4

This was certainly a different kind of Independence Day for me. If anything, it was a day to celebrate my freedom to take time for things other than dissertation writing. When I was in school full-time, I would focus, focus, focus during the semester, and then between semesters, I would create, create, create . . . cross-stitch, carpentry, redecorating projects . . . you name it. I have always needed to balance heavy-duty brain work with something more hands-on. So today, I made this frame. It's not perfect - it's a little crooked, actually - and the mitered corners leave a bit to be desired, but I don't care. It works fine for my purposes.

Next, I'm planning a sewing project. I saw some gorgeous fabric at the quilt shop - white background with butterflies in rainbow colors. It will make a beautiful stole!

My daily schedule has really changed. I used to be a morning person, and I'd be toast by 10:00 p.m. But it seems I do my best writing late into the evening. Last night I worked until after 11:00.

I had some great insights last night, and at one point, I felt directed to pull out my Symbol and Sacrament book by Louis-Marie Chauvet (if you know Chauvet and his writing, you know that this is an extremely dense book). Good old Chauvet! His theories of the symbolic order and the mediation of the body will really help me pull things together. In fact, I think I've discovered a slightly new direction for this whole dissertation. I do believe I've had an epiphany!

I love when that happens!

Oh, have I mentioned how much I hate formatting? I was going to try to format as I go, but it's so darn tedious that I'll wait until the writing is done, then I'll go back and do the formatting. I wish MS Word wasn't so funky.

I also mowed my very unkempt lawn today. My neighbors are happy, I'm sure.

Day 3: July 3

This is my photo, taken on the Finger Lakes Trail last year, that I had enlarged into a poster. As soon as it's framed, it will hang over my desk as a motivational tool: the more I write, the quicker I can hit the trail again. Would YOU love to be on this gorgeous trail?

I learning quickly that there will be good, productive days that will feel terrific. Then there will be those not-so-good days when writing even two pages feels like giving birth to triplets. I'm looking forward to the times when the ideas will flow out of my brain and the words will just roll off my fingertips.

Because I'm so detailed oriented, it's difficult to set something aside, even when I'm wrestling very unproductively with it. I was up most of last night trying to answer a fundamental question that my research has raised, with no success. So today, I will move on to another chapter in the hopes that the elusive answer will be a happy epiphany at some point soon.

This morning, I read a story on the United Methodist News Service about a retired pastor in Texas who died by self-immolation. After years of working to correct injustice in our society and in our churches, he felt so burdened by the ongoing debates and lack of progress, that he felt he needed to follow Christ's call to truly die to self (at least that's my interpretation of the notes he left).

There are days when I feel so frustrated and sad about what Christianity in our society has become - a caricature of judgment, hypocrisy, mud-slinging, and distorted moral values - that I wonder if anything I do really matters. Including writing this dissertation.

I guess time will tell . . .

Day 2: July 2, 2014

My study buddy in his favorite spot.

It's been so long since I've done any real academic research that I had plumb forgotten how tedious, nerve-wracking, and time-consuming it is to locate books and articles online through ATLAS and Inter-Library Loan (ILL). Ugh. There's a definite disadvantage to being 250 miles away from your school library. I've ordered about 25 books from Boston University, and as soon as they come in, I'll be taking a quick trip to pick them up (no, they won't ship them to me). I haven't been to Boston in a while, so it will be good to see some friends and revisit my old stomping grounds. I really love Boston, but I think I love Norwich even more.

I wish my local library would do ILL for me, but I've been told they simply don't have the funds to do that. I understand - it's a small-town library - but I'd even be willing to pay the shipping if they'd do it!

I'm encouraged that I'm growing more excited about my topic and about the connections I'm making that will help solidify my arguments. It wasn't as hard to shift back into student mode as I thought it might be. But a big part of being able to do that is not having any pressing church-related work to worry about (except, of course, the little bit of excitement we had last night when BSUMC's tall steeple sustained a direct lightning hit - there was no damage, but it took a couple of hours for my heart rate to return to normal!)

Yesterday's progress:

• MANY books and articles ordered
• Chapter 4 started (I won't be working on the chapters in chronological order)

Day 1: July 1, 2014

My office and dissertation incubation center for the next 62 days.

There's a lot of non-dissertation related tasks to complete before I dare to dust off the prospectus and start cracking the books. Today's list includes:

1. Putting the a/c in the window (an absolute necessity on this 100-degree heat index day).
2. Setting up the computer and peripherals (I guess this post is proof that I've already done that).
3. Going food shopping to fill the fridge and pantry with healthy food and snacks so I'm not tempted to go out and grab a quick bite every time the hunger pangs hit.
4. Lugging all the pertinent books up to the new writing room.
5. Hanging a poster I had made from one of my favorite hiking photos that I took last year on the Finger Lakes Trail. It will serve both as something soothing to look at and as motivation to write, write, write so I can get out on the trail once in a while this summer.
6. Tying up a couple of loose ends I forgot about yesterday.
7. Getting caught up on laundry so it's not a distraction for the rest of this week.

I'm having very mixed feelings about this quest. I'm excited about finishing the degree and about possibly lending my own contribution to the ongoing scholarly conversations about theology, disability, and ecclesiology. But I'm worried about having the necessary discipline to stay focused and actually get the writing done. Will I be able to shift my brain in "student" gear again? 

I also know I'm going to miss the people (and especially the staff) of Broad St. UMC something fierce. I hope they stay in touch . . .

That's enough contemplation for today.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." -Lao-tzu

Oh, Lord, I hope it's not that long . . .